I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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