i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize