end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
