You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
