Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
