it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
