I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
