You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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