Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
