This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
