all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
