I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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