i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
