whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
