can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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