Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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