I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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