Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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