Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
