I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
COCAINE IS GR8
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
