New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
