I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
