Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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