I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
