new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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