So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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