I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
