i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
