her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
