you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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