My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She's the barista slut.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
