Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
