How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
