well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
