this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Farmville is her only friend.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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