the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dear god my vagina.
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