there's paper in my vomit.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
