I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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