if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
