I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
