My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
