if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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