the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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