Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
