I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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