Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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