it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
