: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
