I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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