mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
