mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize