I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
