My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
