I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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