An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
