you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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