About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
