no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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