Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
